You are in a game, a match, or maybe even at practice, and you are trying to focus on what you can control—on yourself. Everyone says that is the most important thing to do, but you get frustrated repeatedly.
You keep thinking, “If everyone would just do what they are supposed to and stop frustrating me, maybe I could focus on myself and improve.” Yes, that thought when you feel you are being dragged down by what others are doing.
The empty boat story, attributed initially to Zhuangzi and written in the 4th century BCE, is a great way to overcome this. Here is the modified and shortened version of the story:
The Empty Boat Story
A faithful Monk has been instructed to meditate daily. He diligently tries to get centered and present through his meditation every day, but he gets distracted by the various people and noises around him.
So he decides to go down into the woods, where no one is there to distract him.
As he sits there, his focus is being pulled away by the noise in the woods, the animals reselling the leaves, and the birds chirping, and still, he can’t seem to focus. His anger keeps growing.
“If only I could find peace and quiet where no one or nothing distracts me,” he thinks to himself.
He sees a boat on the shore. He decides to get into it and float to the middle of the lake. Finally, peace and quiet. He starts meditating. Finally, he is alone with his thoughts—no more anger or frustration.
Until he notices another boat floating toward him.
Instantly, he gets mad. How can someone not notice him? How can someone be so unaware?
He starts to yell angrily, trying to get the boat out of his way. His anger keeps building until the boat runs into his boat. He looks up, ready to take his anger out on the captain, but quickly notices no one is in there. The boat had just come untied and was drifting up the water on its own.
Instantly, his anger dissipates because there is no one to be angry at, illustrating how we often react to perceived intent rather than the event itself.
When the Monk believed someone was steering the boat, his mind made it personal. Someone is doing something to me, disrupting, disrespecting, and making my life harder.
When we feel someone is doing something to us, it’s easy to get angry. Humans get angry for two reasons:
If we think something is being taken away from us unjustly
Something is unfair
The monk felt like the captain of the boat was taking his peace and quiet away, which made it easy to blame and get angry.
Once he realized no one was in there, his story changed. No one was trying to take anything away from him, and there was no one to blame—there was nothing to take personally.
It’s Not Personal, It’s Just The Empty Boat
When you allow others to take away your energy and focus, it works against you. It prevents you from truly being in the moment. Every time you give this energy to them, you lose something of yourself, your calm, your presence, your focus.
You might assume intention where there is none:
They didn’t pass: “They are ignoring me.”
You miss a shift: “Coach doesn’t trust me.”
You lose: “The refs were against us.”
But what if it was not personal? What if it was just an empty boat?
Shifting your mindset from personal to just an empty boat can help you regain control of yourself. When you control yourself and focus on what is important for you, you will find the calm presence most athletes seek.
Empty boat thinking isn’t about avoiding emotion. It’s about ownership. You can’t control other people’s noise, mistakes, or opinions, but you can choose how you respond.
And here’s the thing:
Even if you’re angry, frustrated, or yelling at the boat… It’s still coming toward you. Getting mad doesn’t stop the collision. You have to be the one to make the adjustments.
The same goes for teammates.
If someone’s struggling, like missing passes, being out of position, or not working hard, it’s not ideal. But staying angry won’t fix it. You’re the one who has to read the play, adapt, and avoid the hit from the “boat.”
Generally speaking, most people are not doing it to attack you personally. They don’t wake up in the morning and think “I want to piss off so and so today…” Of course, there could be exceptions to this, but in reality, most people just do their best to manage their own noise and distractions, and you end up in their crossfire.
From Reaction to Response
Although the reality of things is that it is impossible never to feel frustrated or angry, these emotions will never disappear. The ultimate goal is to reduce the intensity of those emotions and how long you stay in them.
The quicker you can dissipate the emotions that don’t serve you, the quicker you can get back to focusing on yourself and what you can control. That is where you want to be as an athlete—in control of yourself.
Responding vs. reacting is a skill that can be developed. Like with anything, what you give energy to will grow.
Here are 3 tools I teach my clients to develop this skill:
Tool 1: Pre-acceptance
Before entering a competition, game, or practice, remind yourself of what you need to accept.
“I accept the refs will make bad calls.”
“I accept that my teammates will make mistakes.”
“I accept that my coaches might make decisions I am not happy with.”
This pre-acceptance will allow you to accept them quickly in the moment. It will also reduce the impact of these events because you have already done the work to prepare yourself for them.
Tool 2: Body Scans
Check in with yourself periodically within your game, competition, or practice.
“How is my mindset right now?”
“What am I focusing on, and is it serving me?”
“How do I feel emotionally?”
If you become aware of even the most minor changes in your feelings, you can reset yourself before it is too late.
Tool 3: Reflection
A tremendous way to bring awareness to how you respond to things is to bring reflection and awareness to them. A great way to do this is to reflect on how you responded to certain events during a game or practice:
Event + Response = Outcome
By identifying the outcomes of your responses, you can clarify how much your response impacts the outcome; it is not the event but the response that does this.
Think about how you could have responded better during certain instances to have had a better outcome. Enter games intentionally, considering how you want to respond, manage your frustration, and view others as empty boats.
Staircase vs Castle
These tools will allow you to stay balanced and centered. It’s all about not letting your frustration get to a point of no return. Once that happens, it is hard to regain control of your emotions and mindset.
If you look at this graph, you want to be a castle, not a staircase. If you don’t address the events or check in with yourself over the game or practice, your frustration will escalate, making it much more challenging to be in control.
You will find it very difficult to fully control what others do. As you build your leadership skills, you might be able to influence them, but your first priority is to manage your emotions.
You are the master of you. No one can make you feel something; your perception of what is happening is the culprit of your emotional response to these events that are not in your control.
Don’t give others the power to throw you off course; instead, be powerful in how you respond to them and watch as you level up your performance.
Blair has over 13 years of experience as a Professional Dancer, Assistant Dance Captain & Cast Manager, as well as an additional 17 years of training. Over the last 3 decades, she has lived and experienced first hand the highest of highs & lowest of lows that come with pursuing a career in the Performing Arts.
Alexis Woloschuk is a name synonymous with mental fortitude in the world of professional hockey. Throughout her career originating playing boys hockey, going to an academy away from home, playing her four years at Boston University and 7+ years in pro hockey she’s learned the importance of resilience, confidence, and dismissing both fear and other’s opinions. With a blend of relatability, confidence, and an acute understanding of playing to one’s potential, Alexis helps athletes reshape the way they perceive and harness the power of their minds.
Sean Mahoney is a member of the Association for Applied Sport Psychology (AASP), and a Master’s candidate in the Sport and Performance Psychology program at the University of Denver. For as long as he can remember, Sean has been fascinated by human performance and how to gain an edge over the competition. For most of his athletic career, he focused on the physical aspect of performance but neglected the mental. Because of this, he struggled with performance anxiety, focus issues, and limiting beliefs pertaining to confidence and self-doubt. His lack of focus on optimizing his mental game prevented him from reaching his full potential.
Louie is a mental performance coach from Toronto, Canada with a professional hockey career spanning over 14 years. Being a standout player at the University of Michigan, Louie was a Hobey Baker finalist and a 1st team All-American, which led him to getting drafted by the Ottawa Senators and playing in renowned leagues across the globe, including the DEL, SHL, and AHL.
As a former member of McMaster University’s women’s soccer team, Emilie intimately understands the demands and challenges athletes face on and off the field. Although she encountered many challenges as a high-level athlete, particularly struggling with self-doubt and overthinking, Emilie was able to make a remarkable transformation when she began to embrace the principles of sports psychology.
Max is currently attending William James College, where he is earning a Doctorate Degree in Clinical Psychology and a Masters Degree in Professional Psychology. During his time as an undergraduate student, Max was inducted into the International Honor Society in Psychology (Psi Chi), and played on the Quinnipiac University men’s club ice hockey team.
Danielle Hanus, MA
Monica Russell, MA
