Stouffville Hockey Parent Expectations
Parents play a huge role in the youth sporting experience, as such, our organization has worked with Dr. Cassidy Preston to offer clear expectations for parents behavior (watch the video above to find out more about Cassidy & why he made these expectations). These expectations are based on applied experience and academic research. They set a standard for parents to help avoid common mistakes and follow best practices to optimize the impact on your child, the team, and the organization as a whole.
These expectations will help to:
- Decrease unnecessary stress, conflict, and issues around sport.
- Increase satisfaction and healthy relationships between your child, parents, coaches, referees etc.
- Increase your child’s well-being, mindset, and performance as well as life skills (e.g. confidence, focus, resilience).
These expectations have been categorized into 3 main categories:
1. Parent Expectations Away from the Rink
The Car Ride to the Rink, the Car Ride Home, & Anytime Talking Hockey
A common mistake is parents don’t let their child own the experience and process. When you over-coach and over share your opinion your child misses the opportunity to take ownership of their journey.
In the car ride home, don’t talk first and share how you felt the game went — instead, let them self-reflect and share their opinion. This allows them to develop confidence in their own self-perception instead of always worrying about what everyone else thinks.
The goal is NOT for them to chase your approval, rather the goal is about them being proud of themselves, owning their capabilities, and enjoying the experience.
Confidence does NOT come from praise. If you repeatedly tell your child how great they are doing it won’t develop confidence. In fact, it can undermine it. Constant praise will make your child feel they need to constantly seek your approval, instead of focusing on how they feel about their experience, their progress, and their capabilities.
Western culture has fallen into a trap where confidence is based on results and external validation. But that is a terrible definition that makes confidence dependent on external results. Which leads to athletes having yo-yo confidence that goes up and down with the results.
Instead, true confidence is about owning one’s capabilities based on the work they have put in. When athletes learn to own their capabilities day-in and day-out regardless of the variance in results, that is how they develop unshakeable confidence.
Think of confidence as being grounded and centered. If you try to pump up and inflate your child they will naturally want to put themselves down. And if you are too hard on them and deflate them – they will tune you out. This is why 1a is about letting your child take the lead – without that step true confidence will not be achieved.
One of the best life skills your child can learn through sports is resilience and grit. Which is all about developing a mindset that embraces challenges and views failure as a growing opportunity.
The research and awareness about developing a growth mindset is vast, but actually developing this mindset can be easier said than done. It takes more than just saying to your child “embrace challenges” and “failure is not bad, they are learning opportunities.”
Rather, you need to be able to empathize, personalize strategies based on the child and situation, and guide them to identify with being resilient. For example, if you skip empathy then they won’t feel heard and understood – and won’t be open to even the best of strategies.
A great starting point is to share your own personal struggles. Share the times you were nervous facing a challenge and struggled to handle adversity. This normalizes the human experience and they can learn from your experiences.
Practical strategies you can try include the use of images or analogies. For example, Phil Stutz has a strategy to help embrace pain and uncertainty. Where he draws a thorny bush between you and the place you want to be. So the only way to get to the place you want to go is by going into the thorny bush (which is the pain, the uncertainty). This presents a choice — will you stay in the comfort zone and miss out on getting to the other side, or will you lean in and go through the uncertainty cause that is the only way to get to where you want to be.
2. Parent Expectations At the Rink
In the Stands, in the Lobby, & Chatting with Other Parents
If you want your child to keep their composure, stay calm and confident, and be resilient in the face of adversity, then you better be modeling these mindsets around the rink. The main reason parents struggle to do so is because they don’t have the right perspective.
A common trap is to take too much ownership of your child’s sporting journey. Not only is this problematic for your child (refer back to 1a) but it will also make being at the rink more challenging. You feel like you want to control and influence your child – but once they are at the rink you literally have next to no influence on their performance. This desire for control but not having any leads to lots of worrying and frustrations.
Another common mistake is having an unhealthy perception about your child succeeding vs failing. Many parents think it is so great for their child to succeed in sports and it’s terrible if they fail. They have a fantasy about winning and a nightmare about losing. This is an unhelpful perspective and fuels an emotional roller coaster – which is not great for parents or athletes.
Instead, make sure you see that winning is not all sunshine and rainbows. It is just a result and it comes with new levels of pressures, expectations, responsibilities and often a target on your back. And losing is not all bad. It is also just a result and it can help us stay grounded, hungry to grow, and get back to the basics.
Inline with managing your emotions and keeping the perspective that you don’t control your child’s performance while they are on the ice — don’t coach your child from the stands. Yelling at them to work harder, stay focused, or shoot the puck is a sign of you not managing your emotions and that you want to have more control than you do.
These behaviors are common but when you take a critical lens to it they are ridiculous. They don’t help. In fact, they can have a negative impact on your child because they indicate that you don’t trust your child to figure things out on their own. Which again is robbing your child of the opportunity to develop their confidence, play the game and learn from their mistakes, and enjoy the experience. Furthermore, coaching from the stands is a precursor to doing all things wrong in section 1.
Cheering on the other hand is welcomed. Sport is meant to be fun and you can have fun watching your child. Cheering when things go well and encouraging when faced with adversity. When you enjoy watching your child and express that you loved watching them play — that helps spread the love of the game.
Energy is contagious and when you enjoy the experience and encourage your child, the team, and even the opponents, coaches, and refs for what they are doing well and good sportsmanship — this creates an overall better culture and experience for all.
The youth hockey culture and sporting culture in general has developed a lot of unhealthy and toxic behaviors over the past few decades. Unfortunately, many of these behaviors have become normalized. As an organization we want to work with our coaches and parents to shift the standards and create a healthy culture.
As an organization we can’t police the behaviors at the rink 24/7 from an association level, so instead we ask and even challenge the parents in our organization to help call out toxic behaviors when you see them. You can privately go to a parent not meeting the expectations and ask them to take a breath and reflect on their behavior. You can remind them and point them to this document – the organization parent expectations.
We get what we tolerate. And being a by-stander — watching, turning a blind eye, and not addressing other parent’s toxic behaviors means the behaviors will continue. You might not be the one causing the toxic culture, but by not speaking up you are enabling it. And to be clear one of the purposes of this document is to help make it easier for parents to hold each other accountable because a clear expectation has been set.
Hopefully a gentle and light reminder is enough to curb most toxic behaviors. Simply flashing a light and giving awareness to a problem will spark the needed change. However, if the person is not receptive or the toxic behavior persists then we encourage you to follow the process set out by your team handbook and the association guidelines. Take the 24 hour cooling off period, and raise the issue first to your manager and your head coach. If a parent meeting is needed, one should be quickly organized to deal with the issue. If the issue needs to be escalated further after these steps, the head coach can start that process with the WSMHA Board.
3. Parent Expectations for Interactions with Coaches
Supporting the Coaching Process, Asking for Feedback, & Addressing Concerns
Coaching youth sports can be a rewarding role but it also comes with a lot of responsibilities and challenges. Ensure you and your child regularly say thank you and express your gratitude to the coach for the efforts to teach your child, help them grow, and create a healthy and fun sporting environment.
When your child views the coach as someone there to develop them and they are grateful for their coach — it creates a healthy relationship between the child and the coach that is optimal for your child’s development. No coach is perfect, but you want your child to work with and respect their coach.
Teaching your child to respect authority is a fundamental life skill. This means you don’t want to undercut the coach’s strategies or tactics. Your child should still own their own voice — they should learn to interpret the feedback from coaches and play within the structure and strategies set by the coach. This means you can help your child work with the coaches feedback and take ownership of their game — the goal is not for them to become robots that can’t think for themselves.
As an authority figure, your child’s coach presents an opportunity for them to learn to engage with an authority figure, ask questions, and even self-advocate. This looks different depending on the age and maturity of your child.
A common mistake is parents intervene on behalf of their child. When seeking feedback you should include your child in the process as much as possible. Older ages should be encouraged to go to the coach and ask for feedback without a parent.
When challenges arise such as playing time concerns — don’t be the parent that wants to bulldoze the challenges. We can’t escape challenges in life or in youth sports — but your child can learn how to embrace, learn from, and overcome them. So instead of going straight to the coach to try to rectify the situation, make sure you treat the challenge as an opportunity to develop your child’s resilience, grit, and/or ability to engage with authority.
Depending on the degree of challenge and age of your child — have them go by themselves to the coach to respectfully express their concerns (without whining), clarify any confusions, and/or ask for feedback to help overcome the challenge. For youth athletes, this process can be done with the child and parent present — but encourage your child to be part of the conversation, ask questions, and say thank you at the end.
The bottom line is keep the conversation about the child’s experience and development — not about you giving your opinion on how the coach should coach. If you want to coach, then apply to be a coach. If the challenge is boarding on toxic behaviors — read the next section.
As an organization, we want to hold our coaches to the highest of standards when it comes to their behavior and leadership with your child. This section is to help clarify the standards we have set for our coaches/ teams and to help you to understand how to navigate various situations.
The first part is learning to differentiate between situations we have classified as challenging, and more serious behaviors that we have classified as unacceptable. Then in each category we lay out the expectations on how to navigate those situations. These categories are not perfect and can’t cover the endless nuances that can come with each situation but it gives a framework from which to start.
Challenging Situations
Every team has conflicts when it comes to expectations around ice time, special teams, and other tactical decisions that a coach has to make on a daily basis. Factors like player age, the degree or intent of the decision, or how often something is happening can affect how serious a “challenging” situation is viewed by a parent.
Here is a list of common situations that could be listed as challenging:
– Minor playing time concerns
– Linemate concerns
– Minor team dynamic concerns
– Concerns with team strategy
– Moderately inappropriate behavior in the dressing room (i.e., player’s swearing at each other)
*How to navigate challenging situations: We encourage you to follow the process set out by your team handbook and the association guidelines. Take the 24 hour cooling off period, and if you still deem appropriate calmly raise the issue first to your manager and your head coach. If a parent meeting is needed, one should be quickly organized to deal with the issue. If the issue needs to be escalated further after these steps, the head coach can start that process with the WSMHA Board.
Unacceptable Behaviors
There are lines that we can all agree should never be crossed, but if they are, both coaches and/or players need to be held accountable. Everyone has the right to feel safe in a changeroom or team environment and as an organization we have a zero tolerance position for physical, verbal and emotional abuse. When something clearly unacceptable happens, the head coach needs to be made immediately aware of the details. From there, the coaching staff can make the determination how to proceed with WSMHA Board input.
While this isn’t an exhaustive list, these unacceptable situations are generally near the top of the list:
– Unwanted physical contact
– Physical, verbal and emotional abuse
– Threatening and bullying
– Public Shaming
*How to navigate unacceptable behaviors: These should be immediately brought to the attention of the head coach. In serious situations like these, the 24 hour rule should be bypassed in order to ensure the health and safety of individuals involved in the incident. After learning the details, the head coach will make the determination around how to proceed, with WSMHA Board input.
Additional Resources
Parent Assessment & 7 Part Video Series
Dr. Cassidy Preston has also made a parent’s self assessment so you can identify opportunity’s where you can adjust your approach. This assessment is part of a 7 part series on how parents can best support their child. CLICK HERE to gain access.
CEP Mindset Weekly Newsletter
Dr. Cassidy Preston and his team share a weekly insights in their newsletter – CLICK HERE to join.
Learn More About CEP Mindset
If you’d like to learn more about Mental Performance Coaching and the services available visit our website.
Nicholas Santino is a Senior High-Performance Coach, PhD Candidate, and the official Mental Performance Consultant for Elite Prospects. From his specialized psychology research program, to his PhD studies, Nicholas has gained a tremendous foundation of knowledge and appreciation for the human experience. His passion for psychology has accumulated to a commitment to studying and applying positive psychology and stoicism. This commitment has led Nicholas to conduct many research studies focusing on understanding why and how some people thrive and prosper while others do not. His admiration for evidence-based solutions has propelled Nicholas to produce studies revolving around mindfulness, grit (perseverance and passion), performance, quality participation, social relationships, and well-being.
A Native of Quebec, Sara was part of the St. Lawrence University Women’s Ice Hockey team that competed in the NCAA Division 1 hockey league ECAC. During this time, Sara helped her team appear in four ECAC Hockey Tournaments and two NCAA Frozen Fours, and was a four-time member of the ECAC Hockey All-Academic Squad. Following her career at St. Lawrence University, Sara played one year of professional hockey with Lugano, where she truly honed her skills in understanding the intricate connection between mindset and performance.
Blair has over 13 years of experience as a Professional Dancer, Assistant Dance Captain & Cast Manager, as well as an additional 17 years of training. Over the last 3 decades, she has lived and experienced first hand the highest of highs & lowest of lows that come with pursuing a career in the Performing Arts.
Natasha Habert draws from her training in sport and performance psychology, personal experiences as a competitive athlete, and deep passion for consistent high performance. She is a lifelong athlete and high performer, excelling in volleyball as both a player and coach.
Luciano’s hockey career is highlighted by his time playing college at the University of Victoria and two professional seasons in Europe. Throughout his career, he struggled with performance anxiety, a lack of consistency, fluctuations in confidence, and being caught in the results trap. This eventually led him to deviate from the main reason why anyone should play sports – for the enjoyment of the game. As a former athlete, Luciano has a unique understanding of the psychological pressures and struggles that athletes experience.
Alexis Woloschuk is a name synonymous with mental fortitude in the world of professional hockey. Throughout her career originating playing boys hockey, going to an academy away from home, playing her four years at Boston University and 7+ years in pro hockey she’s learned the importance of resilience, confidence, and dismissing both fear and other’s opinions. With a blend of relatability, confidence, and an acute understanding of playing to one’s potential, Alexis helps athletes reshape the way they perceive and harness the power of their minds.
Sean Mahoney is a member of the Association for Applied Sport Psychology (AASP), and a Master’s candidate in the Sport and Performance Psychology program at the University of Denver. For as long as he can remember, Sean has been fascinated by human performance and how to gain an edge over the competition. For most of his athletic career, he focused on the physical aspect of performance but neglected the mental. Because of this, he struggled with performance anxiety, focus issues, and limiting beliefs pertaining to confidence and self-doubt. His lack of focus on optimizing his mental game prevented him from reaching his full potential.
Savannah Fitzgerald is earning her M.A. in Kinesiology, Sport Psychology Option at California State University, Fresno. Possessing an internal motor that fires her rage for success, Savannah forged this attribute over five years while competing as an NCAA D-I water polo player and swimmer. Combined with her opportunity to represent and compete for the United States, she feels that sport has significantly impacted her professional development. Due to her personal experience playing at all levels, Savannah’s passion for mental performance began when she struggled to overcome pre-competition nerves and post-competition processing. When she discovered a world out there that people were referring to as ‘sport psychology,’ she felt like a piece of her brain was unlocked. Reality shifted as she stumbled into a space consisting of the most beautiful blend of elite performance, mental well-being, and athletics.
Gabe is currently completing his Master’s in Counselling Psychology at the University of Victoria. Although Gabe played several years of high-level baseball, including a stint in the British Columbia Premier Baseball League (BCPBL), he chose hockey as his sport to pursue at the highest level possible. Gabe went on to play four years of junior hockey with the Richmond Sockeyes in the Pacific Junior Hockey League (PJHL) while also coaching minor hockey. Prior to junior hockey, Gabe played 3 years in the Canadian Sport School Hockey League (CSSHL) where he experienced the pressures and expectations of moving on to the next level. During those three years, Gabe constantly compared himself to others and struggled with coping when things did not go his way. Over time, he learned how to focus on his own process and path to the next level, while also developing strategies to improve well-being.
Louie is a mental performance coach from Toronto, Canada with a professional hockey career spanning over 14 years. Being a standout player at the University of Michigan, Louie was a Hobey Baker finalist and a 1st team All-American, which led him to getting drafted by the Ottawa Senators and playing in renowned leagues across the globe, including the DEL, SHL, and AHL.
Mia Landry is a former varsity hockey player at Brock University, where she competed at the USPORT level and was part of the 2021-22 OUA gold medal team. Mia currently represents Canada on the Women’s National Ball Hockey team and is pursuing a Master of Kinesiology Sport Psychology at her alma mater. Her research focuses on areas such as team cohesion, group dynamics, leadership styles, and sports culture.
As a former member of McMaster University’s women’s soccer team, Emilie intimately understands the demands and challenges athletes face on and off the field. Although she encountered many challenges as a high-level athlete, particularly struggling with self-doubt and overthinking, Emilie was able to make a remarkable transformation when she began to embrace the principles of sports psychology.
Max is currently attending William James College, where he is earning a Doctorate Degree in Clinical Psychology and a Masters Degree in Professional Psychology. During his time as an undergraduate student, Max was inducted into the International Honor Society in Psychology (Psi Chi), and played on the Quinnipiac University men’s club ice hockey team.
